Fast forward to the morning of loss. My wife had been spotting
the day before and the doc said it was normal and if it got worse
to go to the ER. Well it got worse and on our bathroom floor my wife
was in extreme pain. Painfully I had to get my
wife up and off the floor to get her to the ER. It was hurtful to me to
force her to get up when she was in so much pain, but I didn't want was
about to happen to happen on the floor. I wanted her to be with medical
staff.
We got to the hospital...I dropped her off and parked the
truck. I expected her to be in her room by the time I got there. Wrong.
She was still being checked in. I was irritated that they weren't in a
hurry with what was going on. Finally we get
back to the room and the nurse came in. My wife said she needed to go
to the bathroom and they gave her a catch cup to put in the toilet. This
is when she ended up passing our baby. She went into shock... she was
just standing there in the bathroom shaking
and screaming. The nurse and I got her dressed and moved her to another
room. I realized we lost our baby but I snapped into worry about the
wife mode. They gave her medicine for shock and it helped calm her
down. They did tests and proved that she did
in fact pass our baby. We were given discharge papers... information
about the extra blood loss this week and a prescription to help with
it.
They asked us what we wanted to do with the baby. I wanted
to have a service. I had to make the decision pretty much on my own
because my wife was still medicated. The doctor talked me out of a
service because "its not normal for babies less then
21 weeks" and "no sense in paying funeral costs for a baby less than 21
weeks". I thought about my parents funeral costs, which was about $5k
and knew I couldn't afford that. So I chose for them to do what they do
to dispose of him. Later on I came to realize
its only about $600 for a baby funeral and this is a decision that will
always bother me because I could have afforded that!
I get my wife out to the pickup and we just sit there. I'm
at a loss. What do I do next? There was no help... no guidance... it was
here's your papers now go home. She asked me to make the calls because
she couldn't do it. So one by one I called
family and friends to tell them the bad news. All the questions were
the same "do they know why?" and "how is Mandy?" followed by "well tell
her we love her and we are praying for her". Her? You don't love me or are
praying for me? No one asked how I was. Hmmm
must not have cared. Then I told myself quit whining its not about
you... you have to be there for her.
Days went on... visits came... cards came... all very nice.
For her... nothing about me. No one asked me how I was feeling... I was
hurting too! He was my little boy too! How about how I feel like a
failure? How about how I'm supposed to protect my family
and my boy is gone. How about how my wife is in pain and there is
nothing I can do to take her pain. Was that argument we got into a
cause? I shouldn't have raised my voice and upset her. Is there anymore I
could have done for him? For her? What am I supposed
to do now?? Oh sorry whining again... deal with it and be there for
her... its not about you its about your wife.
- Douglas Hengstebeck
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